Newly Born . . . and Confused

Church was foreign to me. Yet I found its culture fascinating. The people were in high spirits. They sang. They shouted. They cried. They worshiped. They drove cars. They owned homes. They went to college. They worked. They were married. The Pastor taught "abstinence." I had never heard that word before. The dictionary defines it as "The practice of refraining from indulging a desire, especially for alcoholic drink or sexual intercourse." I hadn't refrained from any desire since age 14. I had never heard anyone say not to have sex before marriage. I was dumbfounded and desperate to know what to do. I lived with Danny. I told Danny I was moving out. I explained why. I carried my clothes into the bedroom across the hall from Danny's. That didn't work. Danny and I found reasons not to refrain. After we had sex, I was ashamed. God knew Danny and I weren't married. And He was watching us. I had to move out. I had only one other place to go. I packed my daughter’s and my clothes in a garbage bag and carried them to my grandmother's apartment. My grandmother knew that I was now saved so she didn't cuss at me as much. But she found other ways to beat me down. She said, "Why you over there with those West Indians? They're a cult." And she called me Mother Theresa, like, "Mother Theresa, I thought you were saved?" I went into the bathroom, knelt down beside the toilet, and prayed, "God help me because I want to have sex and can you help me get my own apartment?" I imagine that I must keep God entertained.
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