Baggage

Have you caught the new NBC series, Parenthood, yet? We watched the first two episodes, but last Tuesday night I confess we skipped it in favor of a re-cap of last season's V. And this Tuesday we passed on it again, this time for the season premiere of our long-time favorite Law & Order: CI. I liked what I'd seen of Parenthood--mostly. Since the show first aired, I've had lots of people I know ask if we watch the show, and what we think about the show's portrayal of Asperger's and of one family's journey (albeit in brief, sped-up TV form) through the diagnosis and aftermath. The little boy Max in the show reminds us a little of L. sometimes, but then again sometimes not. Because, as a parent learns early on in the journey through an autism diagnosis and life after the diagnosis, if you've met one kid with autism, you've met just ONE kid, and that's it. It's a spectrum, after all, and kids are kids in the end--in all their glorious and amazing and beautiful differences, no matter how they are wired. I do have some uneasiness that eats away at me while I watch--maybe this is why we passed it by again this week. I can't put my finger on why or what is causing my unease, but I've held off writing about Parenthood for that reason. It's a well-written show, and I love the dynamics in the messy, chaotic, but loving extended family--the Braverman's. I like that they stick things out together, and I'm jealous that they live so close to each other--that they have their large, chaotic and loving meals together at the drop of a hat, or all go for a swim together on a weekend morning--that they're there, all pulling for each other every step of the way. I'm jealous of a TV family--I admit it. I've always yearned for that type of life--extended family all around, cousins playing together after school, large, noisy dinners together, and all the drama that goes with it. I'm jealous of the support the Braverman's get as they work through their son's diagnosis, and their family's willingness to accept it all, and move on from there because in the end, diagnoses don't define people, but they do help those who love them understand and help them better. I'm jealous that the Braverman's can plonk down huge amounts of money for private tuition for Max without batting much of an eyelid. Ouch--that one hits close to home. I am grateful that the show attempts to address some of what Asperger's is (and impressed that the TV's website has links to information on AS), but my disappointment, or unease, I think, lies in what the show doesn't address. I worry: will people who don't know anything about it think AS is just about quirkiness? Or just about wearing costumes to school? Will they wonder why all the fuss about endearing and eccentric characteristics that only make a kid more individual, possibly more interesting than the rest of the world? Because it can be about so much more, and the so much more of it is sometimes what doesn't get talked about. The so-much-more can be frightening, and dark, and confusing. The so-much-more can make your child suffer, and a parent's heart break over and over again; and mend, too, and break a little once more. While I wouldn't change who my son is from the core of his deeply sensitive soul to the tips of his toes, I would take away some of the accompanying challenges that come with his AS--it's not always a quirky, fun, off-beat walk in the park, truly it isn't. I think in the end, my problems with the show are probably just mine. There's a feeling of "doneness" about the family's journey through AS when in fact, for them, it's just beginning. Television commands tidy endings, drawn together in neat bows, and if there's anything that defies neatness and tidiness, AS does. But even as I write this, I know I'm asking too much from a television show, being too harsh with what really is a well-written, well-paced, compelling series. Perhaps it's just me. Perhaps my footing is still a little shaky on the path, or I can't see the finish line quite yet; perhaps I have some tender spots still, some wounds that need a little healing, some baggage I need to unload at the next turn before I continue on.