How are you defined?

The first time I ever heard the answer was about six or seven years ago when, in answer to the question, “So, what are you doing?” one of my good friends replied, “I’m being a dad.” He wasn’t being a stay-at-home dad. He had just decided that being a dad was the most important thing in his life and, as a result, that’s how he was more or less defining himself. He wasn’t defined by his zillion-dollar-a-year money management gig. He was a dad. Even before I had kids, I always thought that answer was kind of cool.

But in the last few weeks, I’ve heard that same answer a few more times. Again, these are dads with a full-time gig other than their dad-gig. (Please note: I’m not in any way making a statement about stay-at-home parents. Personally, I think that’s the hardest job of all.) Yesterday I heard someone give that answer on the golf course.

I was playing with a friend of mine and a third dad, whose kid plays on the same baseball team as my friend’s kid. I asked him what he did and he told me, “I’m a dad.” I said, “As in full-time, stay-at-home? I could never do that. Don’t have the intestinal fortitude or patience.” He told me that he was a stockbroker during the day, but that he just defined himself as a dad. Still a cool answer. I had to dig deeper.

Since his “day job” was something so tied to the economy, I asked him if he defined himself as “dad-first” with the birth of his first son, or if it were something more recent. In other words, did gas prices have anything to do with how he saw himself? Yep.

He told me that although his business was doing well (more power to him), watching some of his colleagues take serious hits (some to the point of financial ruin) helped him realize what was most important in his life. It wasn’t like he was working all hours of the night, but he did use to see his personal value wrapped up in his stockbroker success…not his dad success. I kept digging.

Dad success? Or kid success? Did he see himself becoming one of those “Little League Dads” who pushed their kids and so on? Nope. He was focused on dad success. He wanted to make sure his boys were growing up healthy and happy. And, he even recounted that, in a certain respect, he wasn’t doing so well, because one of his sons is fiercely competitive. And, try as he might, he wasn’t succeeding in getting his point across about “how you play the game…” But, to him, those efforts trumped his day job every time.

Like most of us, I’ve been asked thousands of times, “What do you do?” And, just as I answered before K-Man’s arrival, I respond with some line about my work. And, even after I heard my friend and others give the “I’m a dad” answer, it’s never been on the tip of my tongue. Yes, I eventually get around to some of the things I do in the parenting space – especially since so much of my work involves parents in one way or another. It’s just that “I’m a dad” isn’t how I’ve defined myself…even though being a dad has truly become what defines me.

I’m not sure that there are any decisions in my life that aren’t impacted in one way or another by K-Man’s existence. So, it goes to reason that “What do you do?” should be answered with “I’m a dad.” At the same time, I wonder if that’s healthy, too. In the case of my friend and the dude with whom I golfed yesterday, it seems to be in proper perspective. But, we all know how being too wrapped up in our kids is not such a pretty sight either.

I suppose there are those times when I am a dad and there are those times when I am a writer…and there are those times when I am a this or a that (insert appropriate expletive if need be). Clearly, however, I'll never be defined as "golfer." As always, it’s a balance, I guess. Damn balance.


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